know yourself, one kegel at a time

I think about kegels maybe once a week. I think that’s about where kegels are in the culture, no? Somewhere between, Am I supposed to be doing these in my office chair? And, Kegel weights?? Cosmo wants me to stick pastel green weights in there like I’m Rhonda A-rousey?? (sorry).

First off, let’s dispel that loose vagina myth one more time for the people in the back. Give it the Cardi B treatment. The AOC treatment. Clapping emojis implied. No amount of sex loosens your vagina. Period. If you refuse to trust a reddit thread, ask a trusted male friend (or someone who has sex with vaginas). Preferably when he isn’t around that Kevin Federline-looking friend of his with the Supreme boxers. Tight pussy isn’t a thing. You can thank the good ol’ patriarchy for centuries of tight pussy (aka virginal, chaste, child bride) mania. A collective anxiety kept alive for the sake of porn search bars, vaginal surgeons, that horrifying opening scene in Kids, and the sale of jade eggs. (Of course, childbirth will likely leave it hanging loose, and many doctors and midwives do suggest various exercises to help you tighten up your pelvic floor muscles to help regain bladder control).

But the last time I thought about them I was admittedly on some Rhonda A-rousey shit. Somehow I had sex during a nasty case of bronchitis this week because men are insatiable sex monsters… No, obviously, it was me, I lost all self-control and seduced my partner with this kind of whisper purr thing I improvised through suppressed coughs. Something sly that said: Me? A death trap?

Then, in a delightful moment of sexual slapstick. At, er, peak pleasure a violent cough exploded out of me, shot my guy out like a cannon, but I caught it in the knick of time. Clung onto it— and his dick— like a prize claw and sucked that thing right back up.

First thought–Bow down bitch, I am so powerful!! Second thought, how did my vagina get so powerful? Have I been doing my kegels? I had not–never had–but now the thought was intriguing.

The main benefit Cosmo and the like tout out is a better orgasm for yourself and your partner. I’m weary of any mindset that treats an orgasm as a work hard, play hard mechanism.

It’s hard enough to get out of your head to solve that Rubik’s cube of a thing in the first place, so I prefer to explore the area without strategy…without a “gains=better sex” mindset, even if next-level orgasms are in reach, as advertised.

So I say, stay with the hippie stuff—fantasies of boa constricting bad boy dicks into oblivion aside, your vagina is more or less your body’s physical center. The sensation of familiarity and control over the tiniest muscles at my center felt like a useful anchor, and a good starting point to explore what else kegels could do for me. A lot of yoga classes and mindful meditation enthusiasts will tell you to start with becoming physically aware of every part of your body, to reacquaint yourself with it.

Use your kegels to reacquaint yourself with your sexual center. Sure, this could mean flexing all those little gals with your partner inside you, and maybe you guys will colonize a whole new orgasmic planet. It can also mean checking in with the space station and taking a breath with the whole team before all hands in, and blast off. Enjoy!

Mindfully Yours,
Neha Talreja, aka Rhonda A-rousey